Albie Sachs E-Mail Exchange: Institute of International Studies, UC Berkeley

Albie Sachs's E-Mail Chat with High School Students

E-mail exchange with Doug Woodbrowns's world history course at Marin Academy in San Rafael, California

April, 2000

SURVIVAL

"I never felt that my cause was false or that it was futile to fight against apartheid."

When do you feel you were at your most vulerable point while in prison? That is to say, when do you think it was most likely that you might have cooperated with the government?

Dan and Michelle

Are there any experiences in prison that changed your beliefs concerning "your cause?"

Yanni and Chase

Did you ever get the feeling of futility fighting against such an ingrained system as apartheid?

Rob

What was your most frustrating/angering experience during your fight against Apartheid in South Africa?

Julia and Eva

Did the bombing (almost losing your life) strengthen your purpose in the revolution?

Jenna and Erin

You want to know if I ever had any deep doubts? The answer is yes. During most of my solitary confinement I didn't even know why I was holding out, why I just accepted the pain of total isolation, the unreality of it, instead of just cooperating with the police. The great slogans of our struggle which had animated me for years and given me a clear goal now seemed empty, tinny, mere words. What kept me going was a primitive sense of dignity and honor. It was just me and them, and they were trying to break me down, and I wasn't going to give in. Possibly, if their timing had been better, they might have got me to break down. Also, there is a kind of inertia that keeps you going. They have to disrupt it. Inertia a powerful force, you just hang in there doing the same old stupid thing you've always been doing.

I never felt that my cause was false or that it was futile to fight against apartheid. What did hit me hard was my sense of weakness. I had always thought that being brave was straightforward. You dared, challenged, you kept a clear head and didn't flinch. Yet the demons were not the enemy out there firing at me, but my own inner sense of misery and despair. The very worst moments were when I was subject to a kind of torture by sleep deprivation and eventually collapsed on the floor. It was a victory for them and a totally abject moment for me. I heard the urgent voices, saw the polished shoes shuffling around my body, felt water being poured on me, and my eyes being prised open. This was their dominion over me. I did not feel morally defeated but physically overcome, and it was the induced weariness of my own body that had been the weapon. To this day, I have not fully overcome the humiliation. It was a matter of succumbing, totally and absolutely, against my will, to the command of others.

What has helped me overcome this experience, as well as getting through the bomb attack, was the pride and joy in having survived, the love and affection given to me, and the sense that my body had been on the line for something noble, something intensely meaningful to me. Looking back now, I have a sense of elation, that we never gave up but kept a simple sense of what is right and wrong, what is just and unjust, what is beautiful and ugly, what is warm and cold, at the center of our being. The triumph of peace, democracy, and non-racism in South Africa is a victory not just for our particular beliefs but for having belief at all.